Fact: The Assistant to the Regional Manager Doll is Here

You can preorder a Dwight K. Schrute Bobblehead doll from the NBC.com shop. There is a God.

The lawn

Yesterday was the first lawn mowing of the season. It’s been LP’s job for the last two years. Instead of boring old, neat, straight-line mowing, my inventive son mows in circles, on angles, leaves big clumps here and there, and doesn’t do a very good job at trimming where the mower won’t go. But at least it’s mown. There are other things to worry about.

Calendars

I may be one of the few people left who uses a paper calendar and not my Outlook calendar. I write down my appointments, doctor’s appointments, LP’s trips to his orthodontists, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I don’t like Outlook. I don’t trust Outlook. My non-Outlook savvy boss accidentally sent me 53 outlook appointments when he was attempting to change meeting times from Eastern to Daylight Savings a few weeks back. They just kept coming and coming, so I emailed him with a “JUST STOP IT!!!”

Anyway, there are pithy quotations in my spiral bound desk calendar.

“Nothing was ever achieved without enthusiasm.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson

On paper this sounds inspirational. But think about it. It’s really bullshit. People achieve things all day long and aren’t necessarily enthused about doing so.

“Any activity becomes creative when the doer cares about doing it right, or doing it better.”—John Updike

Again, this is bullshit. Certain activities and jobs are drudge no matter what. How can the job of ditch-digging become creative even though the digger wants to do it right? It reminds me of the Sandra Bullock character in While You Were Sleeping. Towards the end of the movie she’s lamenting her job as a subway token taker. “I sit here, day after day, in this box—like a veal" haha.

And, no, this post has no point.

Gnomes and whiskey barrels

My youngest sister’s birthday is May 4 and I asked her what she wanted. She wanted some rubberized garden shoes. She told me Target had them. YAY! They had shoes (kind of like Porky’s pink shoes, only cloggier) in blue, orange and yellow. I choose the orange and also got her a good pair of garden gloves in an orange stripe. Cute!

Guess what else they had?? That’s right—garden gnomes!!! Yippeeeeeee. Cast Iron. Heavy. Adorable. One holding a shovel and one holding a flower pot, so I got them both. (stfu, jhd)

Last week BP and I went to Rural King (kind of a white trash Lowe’s/ Menard’s combo.) He was looking at tools (what else?) and I spied half whiskey barrels. The real deal. Not the phoney baloney faux whiskey barrels like Wally World sells. Big 40 pound whiskey barrels. Regular priced $15.99, now only $12.99. I sweet-talked BP into coming back with his truck to buy some for me.

BP: How many do you want?
Me: Just one.
Me: No two.
Me: Oh, get three.


So he did and they’re still in the back of his truck until the painters are finished with the porch and windows. They smell like whiskey. When I figure out where they’re going in the yard, I’m going to fill the bottoms with empty soda cans, packing peanuts, etc and just the top half with potting mix. Two barrels will get a gnome! I want to fill one with different varieties of coleus, one with herbs (thymes, rosemaries, basils—not Meme’s doggie, and Italian flat leaf parsley) and one with annuals like snapdragons and dahlias. But maybe I’ll change my mind when I go to the nurseries. But that’s the plan right now. I might even do heirloom tomatoes in one.

Backyard Tree & Dead Lawn

This is a tree in our backyard. I used to know what the name was--it's an ornamental Chinese something or other. My now deceased neighbor lady hated the way the blossoms smelled, but they have no odor to me. I think they're pretty. The dead patch in the lawn is from two bags of mulch I laid there in the autumn and forgot about. I moved them so the grass will soon spread.

DreamyUK sent these funnies to me!

Easter Dinner

We’re going to my oldest sister’s house for Easter. I think most everyone will be there. This year I’m the some-sort-of-salad, and dessert person. I think I’ll make a chocolate cake, but I’m not sure what kind of salad I’ll bring—probably either a Greek salad with lots of kalamata olives and feta, or an orzo pasta salad with tomatoes and a lemony dressing.
Are you bringing anything interesting to your Easter dinner?

How I maintain my 500 pound girth

Dove ice cream bars are delicious

Act now!

Powerball drawing for Wednesday is $220 million dollars. Shelfers in good Emmerica standing may email me a number between one and fifty-five. I’ll buy the ticket(s). If I win the jackpot on the Shelfer ticket, the people participating will split two million dollars. I’ll email you with the numbers once the ticket is purchased. You must email me a number no later than 5 pm on Tuesday April 11th.
Good luck.

Great Battery

Our backporch smoke detector just started beeping Friday, April 7. I had forgotten we even had one back there. BP changed the battery in it. He brought the old battery to me to look at. "Guess when the last time the battery was changed," he asked. I didn't know. I told him that I had forgotten we even had a smoke detector by the back door.

He always writes the date he puts the battery in on the battery itself.The old battery's date was MAY 28, 2001!!!!FIVE FREAKING YEARS that battery lasted! It was an Energizer E Titanium. I know it's not suggested that a battery is kept in a smoke detector for FIVE years, but isn't it great that it lasted so long???


I suggest blu and Porky use this type of battery in their Turbo Rabbits.

All's well

Big Puddin repaired my Travelocity gnome with superglue so all's right with the world. He's back up where he belongs on my computer desk near the printer, the Glade and the potted faux plant.

I love you

The other day a woman was in my office when LP called. After a brief conversation I ended with, “Ok. I love you. Bye.” Whereas she said, “If you say ‘I ‘love you’ too much it lessens it.”

WTF??

I always end phone conversations with the Puddins, my Mom, and most of my sisters with an “I love you.” Who knows if those are the last words they’ll hear from you. I don’t think you can ever say, and mean, those words enough.

Katie Couric

I have never gotten the fascination with Katie Couric. Who cares if she moves to CBS? I like Bob Schieffer. Katie’s not a journalist. She’s a question-asker. These news personalities get paid way too much money.

And now for something completely different

On Wednesday morning (for a second) it will be 1:02:03 am on 04/05/06

If you miss it, anticipate this: 1:02:03 pm on 04/05/06

Hey, I read it in the paper and thought I’d pass it along (shrug)

Wanted: A Decaying Deer Head

I’m having some people paint our house trim, soffits, columns and porch. A light blue for the trim and a dark blue for the porch deck It’s been rainy and rainy. They began scraping and priming last week when it was decent outside. All we’re waiting for is a stretch of nice weather in the 60s.

Yesterday I de-crapped the front porch. Chairs, cushions, plant pots, shells, tables, watering cans, etc. I put them in a pile in the front yard near the bird bath. It kinda looks like Aunty’s house sans mannequins and paper mache (sp) animals. All I need is a decaying deer head to complete the ensemble.

Send up a prayer to the tornado gods and tell them to back off for a few weeks!

Assorted daffodils in my yard

Turning Republican

Well, I've seen the errors of my ways. I got the huge tax cut that George Bush promised so I'm turning Republican. I'm also Pro-Life. I don't want to see any more of those poor feti aborted. So, please, if you're pregnant, have the baby, don't abort it.

I'm embracing Scientology. I've seen the light because of TomKat. Bless their hearts.

I've sworn off American Idol and The Office and all tv I hold dear. PBS is all I'll watch now--even though it's a hotbed of evil liberal thought.

I've switched from Target to WalMart and I feel good about it.

Today a lovely family is coming to adopt Nesta. I hate cats. On Monday we're going to get a sweet little Benji-type pooch who hopefully will have ass matter clinging to either his ass or his ball(s), so I'll fit in around here.


And I'm finished sending money to those lazy motherfuckers in Darfur. Take some initiative! Move and get a job!


The final news is I'm going on the supermodel diet of cocaine and heroin to lose this 400 pounds of unslightly bulk.

I've seen the light. Good day.

The Office

This is mostly for Tree.

The Office was brilliant last night. Michael’s birthday and he faked concern for Kevin’s skin cancer. It was Dwight’s show though—celebrating the exact minute that Michael “emerged from his mother vaginal canal,” and recruiting people to lift him up on a chair “like the Hebrews.” Haha. His head going through the ceiling panels was hilarious.

Did you catch the sexual tension between Angela and Dwight when he wanted to present the cake and she said it was the job of the party committee?
Dwight: Will you still come to the meeting?
Angela: Yes. But you won’t. Get. A cookie.
Dwight: What if I’m hungry?
Angela: No cookie!

Favorite Tea

Mango White Tea. This is the best tasting tea on the market. Their Pearfect Tea and Green Dragon are also good. try it, you'll love it.

That Darn Cat!

Nesta broke my Travelocity Gnome. So sad. So very sad.