"You stink!"

Yesterday a few of us at work were eating lunch together. Two whities, one Asian (who has lived in this country for over 25 years) and two African Americans. All women but one black man. No, this isn’t a set up for a joke. I mention race because it’s an integral part of the story. I forgot how the topic came up but here’s how the conversation went:

Asian chimed in with “You Americans stink.”

The whities and the blacks all exclaimed, “What do you mean, ‘we stink’?”

Asian: I can smell your farts through your clothes.

(quizzical looks from us)

Black woman: And you don’t pass gas?

Asian: Yes, but I go to the bathroom and pull down my pants first.

We all LOL’d.

Me: Well you can be sure that your husband and son don’t go to the bathroom to fart!

Asian: Oh, yes they do!

Black man: Don’t people in your old country just shit in holes in the floor and out in the field? Talk about STINK!

Asian: They do in China! But I am Taiwanese! We poop in toilet!

White woman: Americans spend billions and billions every year on deodorants, creams, shampoo, lotions. We don’t stink any more than any other people on this planet.

Asian: No matter. Farts still stink through your clothes.

Black woman: Then get your nose out of our asses!



No point to the story. I just wanted to share some intellectual lunch time chat.

Good Morning, Mon!

For the first twenty minutes of last night's Back from Jamaica episode of The Office, I was thinking "what the heck is that in Michael's hair (mon)??" I knew it was the colors of Jamaica's flag but couldn't figure out what it was. It was his dreadlock bead! Hahahahahaha He was sporting an eighth of an inch dreadlock!
I knew a guy who went to Jamaica one summer, and he too talked like a Jamaican ("hey mon" this and "hey mon" that) upon his return for nearly a month until someone said, "Say that one more time and I'll beat you to a bloody pulp!"
The look on Michael's face when he saw he sent the sexy Jan picture to the PACKAGING Department instead of Todd (Fudge) PACKER was beautiful to behold. Kind of like he was going to vomit a little in his mouth.

Rummy Saddam and Cheese

Rummy and Saddam when they were friendly (and one was alive)

Anyway, Kraft Cheese is on my shit list this week. I bought some of their parmesan cheese in the new self grater package and hated it. The grater would not grate (a bad thing) so I had to destroy the grater packaging just to get the freaking cheeese out and grate it with my rasp. The cheese sucked----very low quality parm. I emailed Kraft and told them of my displeasure. So what do they send me? Not a check for my two dollars and something that the nasty stuff cost me-----but a coupon for another self-grating package of their wet cheese. Good customer service Kraft! (rolls eyes)

So what do Rummy, Saddam, and wet, gross cheese have in common? I don't know--you tell me.

Wednesday, feels like Tuesday

I went back to work yesterday for the first time since the holidays. Blech. The first day back is always full of blech.

LP goes back to school today. Or he would but he has a follow up doctor's appointment and tests at Riley so he has a reprieve. It's back to the books for him tomorrow ("back to the books"...har. Like that'll happen)

I had coffee, orange juice, rye toast and an egg with pepper flakes on it for breakfast.

The cat is running from one end of the home to the other this morning. When she's like this, BP calls her a "thundering herd of cat."

That, is all.

The way I visualize numbers and months

Numbers


Here’s how I’ve always seen numbers: Approximately four feet in front of me there is a straight line that starts at the tip of my left foot and goes straight across the floor toward my right foot and passes it. Number ONE starts at my left foot and in four feet increments other numbers follow. When you get to TEN, the line makes a 90 degree right angle in my direction and the double digit “teenage” numbers resume on the line until it hits TWENTY. At TWENTY the line makes another 90 degree right angle away from my direction and continues on through the 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and so on into infinity. I’ve always thought it was odd that the 11 through 19 teenage years differentiate themselves from all the other years.




Months

Imagine an ellipse. Kind of an oval, certainly not a round circle. An ellipse, kinda like a racetrack. If you looked at the racetrack as an elliptical clock, at eleven o’clock—out towards the upper left-hand side would begin the month of January. Don’t ask me why---it just has always started from that place. Working clockwise, space the months and seasons all the way around the ellipse. Toward the first curve is May and starts Spring, the second curve of the track starts Summer and the third curve starts Autumn.


I visualize man made time this way. I always have—ever since I first learned to tell time and learn the months of the year. Anyway, Happy New Year---at the eleven o-clock space near the top of the Ellipse!

TV's Funniest Lines of 2006

Hate Books
''Earlier today, Bob Woodward's new book came out, and it claims the Bush administration has bungled the war in Iraq. When reached for comment, President Bush said, 'Just one more reason to hate books.'''CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT



Magic Beans
''I always knew the branch would shut down some day; I just figured it would be because Michael sold the building for some magic beans.''JIM (JOHN KRASINSKI), AFTER HEARING THAT THE SCRANTON BUREAU WAS CLOSING, ON THE OFFICE



What you say is Crap
''I'm not smart enough to debate you point to point, but I have the feeling about 60 percent of what you say is crap.''DAVID LETTERMAN TO GUEST BILL O'REILLY, ON THE LATE SHOW



Still shot in the face
''Hold on a second.... Jon, I'm being told Whittington's condition has now been upgraded from 'stable' to 'stable, but still shot in the face by the Vice President.'''ED HELMS, FAKE REPORTING ON THE HEALTH OF HARRY WHITTINGTON FROM ''OUTSIDE A HOSPITAL IN CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS,'' ON THE DAILY SHOW



More hardship
''We've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.''HOMER TO MARGE, AFTER SOMEONE ASKS THE DUO FOR MARRIAGE COUNSELING, ON THE SIMPSONS




Swatches
''Angelina Jolie says she is going to adopt another baby, but she hasn't decided if the baby will be black, Asian, or white. Jolie said, 'I'm gonna spend the weekend looking at swatches.'''CONAN O'BRIEN, ON LATE NIGHT




Focus
''I don't go hunting for celebrity babies. I have 116 other things to do, thank you, Billy. You need another job. I mean, you have potential as a human being. This may not be right for you. Seriously, can you focus on other things?''JEREMY PIVEN, TO PRESHOW HOST BILLY BUSH, WHO ASKED IF PIVEN HAD MET VIOLET AFFLECK OR SURI CRUISE, ON THE 2006 EMMY RED CARPET SPECIAL


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