This morning I got up and made coffee. No one else was up yet so I went into the living room and flipped on the television. After surfing and stopping by the Bare Essentuals infomercial, and some exercise infomercial with big-lipped Lisa Rinna, I landed on CSpan 2. They were broadcasting live from the America BookExpo in Washington DC. I could have gone again this year (remember a few years ago, I attended in Chicago where I saw, heard and groped the hand of Bill Clinton when his My Story was due to debut?) Such memories. I should have gone this year. Sigh.
Anyway, today at the Author Breakfast, I heard Amy Sedaris and John Updike. I think I missed Barack Obama. But Sedaris and Updike . . .what a combo, eh? She’s the sister of David Sedaris and hilarious in her own right. Updike, instead of discussing his new book Terrorist, instead chose to talk about books and booksellers. He made me misty-eyed. He talked of a time before the huge superstore bookstores that sell high priced coffee (no offense Respighi). . .of a time of neighborhood bookshops, of college bookstores, of the looks and smells of books, and of booksellers who actual know and read books! CSpan replays everything, so try and catch this sometime.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Are you tired, run-down, listless: For Spidey
Lucy Does a TV Commercial # 31
Original Air Date: May 5, 1952
Unofficial Transcript
Transcript By: Jeffrey Thomason
(START SHOW - LIVING ROOM)
RICKY: Hi honey.
LUCY: Hi.
RICKY: What are you doing?
LUCY: Darning your socks.
RICKY: Well, good for you... I didn’t know you knew how to darn.
LUCY: Oh sure, there’s nothing to it, especially if you have a darning egg. Boy you should’ve seen the hole in this ones, taking me a half hour to sow it up.
RICKY: Hmm!
LUCY: There. Darn it I sowed up the top.
RICKY: (LAUGHS) Oh Lucy, your amazing.
LUCY: Oh well, I’ll just have to rip it out.
RICKY: NO NO! Don’t do that.
LUCY: Why?
RICKY: I can use it as a blackjack.
LUCY: Oh! Give me that now... I gotta fix it.
RICKY: (LAUGHS) Oh dear.
LUCY: Honey, where are you going?
RICKY: I’m going to rehearsal honey.
LUCY: Again! You’ve been to rehearsal everyday for a week.
RICKY: I know but I can’t help it.
LUCY: Wouldn’t it be easier to get good musicians?
RICKY: Please... no discouraging remarks.
LUCY: (LAUGHS)
(PHONE RINGS)
RICKY: I’ll get it, I’ll get it. Hello, oh hello Jerry... well my goodness Jerry there must be millions of girls who want to take this job, oh look Jerry don’t I have enough troubles putting the whole television show together without having to look for a girl to do the commercial. (LUCY OVERHEARS) Uh... um (SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
LUCY: (INTERRUPTS) Never mind, Never mind, I know what your talking about. What about a television show Ricky?
RICKY: Wait a minute, alright Jerry I’ll get the girl to do the commercial. Good bye. (HANGS UP)
LUCY: Well?
RICKY: Well, I’m gonna do a television show that’s all, and you can not be on it.
LUCY: Ah Ricky please. Just let me do the commercial.
RICKY: Nothing doing.
LUCY: Why not?
RICKY: Look honey, this is too big a chance for me, I need someone with a lot of sperience.
LUCY: Well, I’ve had sperience.
RICKY: You’ve never even been on a television show.
LUCY: Well maybe not but I watched them a lot.
RICKY: (CHUCKLES) There is a slight difference.
LUCY: Ah now Ricky
RICKY: I’m sorry honey, I got to go now. I’ll see you later.
LUCY: Ohhhh!
RICKY: ...Ohhhh
(FRED ENTERS)
FRED: Hi Lucy.
LUCY: Hi.
FRED: Need any work done up here? Ethel’s gone to see her mother for a couple of days and I got a lot of time.
LUCY: Ethel’s gone and you want to work?
FRED: Yeah, it seems, loafing isn’t any fun unless she’s nagging at me to get some work done. (LAUGHS)
LUCY: Well, there’s nothing to do up here unless you wanna job knocking some since into Ricky’s head.
FRED: What’s the matter?
LUCY: Well he’s gonna MC a big television show, and they need a girl to do the commercial, now you know how good I am at that.
FRED: Oh sure, I’ve seen you do a 100 television commercials.
LUCY: Well, I would be good if somebody'd ever give me a chance.
FRED: Now why don’t you just relax and forget the whole thing.
LUCY: Gee, if there was only some way Ricky could see me on television.
FRED: Well, now maybe you'd qualify as a lady wrestler.
LUCY: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I've got it. I know what I'm gonna do.
FRED: What?
LUCY: Well listen, when Ricky comes home tonight. I'm not gonna be here, but YOU are.
FRED: Oh I am huh?
LUCY: Yeah and your gonna turn on the television set... and you know who's gonna be on it?
FRED: Well I can only hope its Faye Emerson.
LUCY: No no. Its gonna be me.
FRED: Well how you gonna work that out?
LUCY: Never mind, you just turn on that set and leave the rest to me, ok Buster!
(NEW SCENE – LIVING ROOM)
(RICKY ENTERS)
RICKY: Well hello Fred.
FRED: Oh hi Rick.
RICKY: Where’s Lucy?
FRED: I don’t know, I came up to watch your television ours is on the blink.
RICKY: Oh...
FRED: And there’s a wonderful show coming on just about now.
RICKY: At 23 minutes after four?
FRED: Yeah, now set down there. I want you to watch it. You’ll enjoy it.
(LUCY APPEARS IN TV)
LUCY: Call for Philip Morris!
RICKY: Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye.
FRED: Look, look Rick that’s Lucy, she’s on television.
RICKY: Yeah, how bout’ that. I can't, I can't get over how clear the picture is.
FRED: Yeah.
LUCY: Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. (DROPS CIGARETTES OUT OF TV)
RICKY: We’ll whata you know third dimensional television.
FRED: Yeah.
LUCY: Shh, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Philip Morris America's most enjoyable cigarette presents the Lucy Ricardo Show! Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah!
RICKY: I don’t think this is such a hot show Fred. I think I’ll get another station.
FRED: Oh.
LUCY: As our first offering this evening we... STOP that now go back and sit down.
RICKY: That’s very funny now come on outa there.
LUCY: As our first offerings this evening we present...
RICKY: (KNOCKS ON TV) Lucy I said come on outa there.
LUCY: As our first offering this evening we present that inevitable personality, that talented performer, that versatile entertainer, Lucy Ricardo...
(RICKY PLUGS TV IN)
LUCY: AHH! Ah, ah, ah, ah, Ricky! Ricky what are you trying to do? Are you crazy or something? What are you trying to do barbeque me!
RICKY: I’m sorry
LUCY: Are you really sorry?
RICKY: Of course I’m really (LAUGHS) sorry...
LUCY: Are you truly sorry?
RICKY: Yeahhh...
LUCY: Are you sorry enough to let me do the commercial?
RICKY: No...
LUCY: Ooh, why not?
RICKY: Look honey even if I wanted to give you the job I couldn’t, I already hired another girl.
LUCY: Oooh...
RICKY: Say... what did you do with all the works?
LUCY: I took em’ out.
RICKY: Well, I can see that but where is it?
LUCY: IT?
RICKY: Yeah, the chasse it slides right out.
LUCY: All in one piece?
RICKY: Yeah all in one piece...
LUCY: Eeeeyuaaa (TRADEMARK SOUND)
RICKY: What do you mean Eeeeyuaaa
LUCY: Well...
RICKY: Lucy, what have you done?
(LUCY EXITS)
LUCY: Well I didn’t know it all came out together.
RICKY: Sooo...
(LUCY ENTERS WITH PARTS)
LUCY: Sooo I took it out one piece at a time.
RICKY: Ahh no! ahh no!
(NEW SCENE - BEDROOM)
RICKY: Lucy I got to be at the television rehearsal in half an hour, my breakfast ready?
(SILENCE)
RICKY: Are you still not speaking to me?
(...SILENCE)
RICKY: Look I don’t care if you don’t want to talk to me or not but please get up and fix my breakfast...
(...SILENCE)
RICKY: I need my strength... Lucy are you gonna fix my breakfast or not?... what do you want me to do starve to death?
LUCY: Would you, please?
RICKY: Look I had a perfect right to ball you out. Putting that television set together is gonna cost a fortune, maybe more.
LUCY: I'm glad its broken.
RICKY: Glad?
LUCY: Yes now I won't have to look at your silly Cuban mug on that show tonight.
RICKY: (SPEAKING SPANISH) (DIALS PHONE) Hello, oh Fred? Could you come up for a minute please? Senora Ricardo and I are not speaking to each other, and I'd like you to do me a favor thank you Fred. (HANGS UP)
(LIVING ROOM)
(FRED ENTERS)
FRED: Hi Rick what do you want.
RICKY: Well, listen Fred, I Gotta go to rehearsal right away and um I'm expecting a very important phone call, and Lucy's mad at me. So would you please stay here and give someone a message?
FRED: Sure...
(LUCY’S OVER LISTENING)
RICKY: Well the girl that is gonna do the television commercial is gonna call. Now you tell her to be at Studio Ten Television Center at one o’ clock this after noon.
FRED: Alright.
RICKY: Thanks a lot Fred.
FRED: Your welcome.
(RICKY EXITS)
(LUCY ENTERS YAWNING)
LUCY: Oh hello Fred. What are you doing here?
FRED: Oh hi, Ricky asked me to wait here and take a telephone message. He told me that you two aren’t speaking to each other.
LUCY: (CHUCKLES) Oh well, I’ll take the call Fred its silly to have you wait up here.
FRED: Alright it’s ah from the girl who’s doing the commercial on Ricky’s television show tonight. And he wants her to be sure and get the message. Now you won’t mind this Lucy?
LUCY: Oh no not at all... Television Center, Studio Ten, one o’ clock.
FRED: Yeah... Wait, how did you know that?
LUCY: Oh, well that’s where Ricky does all his television shows.
FRED: Ohh... well I’ll see you later.
LUCY: Ok.
FRED: Bye.
LUCY: Bye.
(FRED EXITS)
(PHONE RINGS)
LUCY: Hello? Oh no Mr. Ricardo isn’t here. Oh yes, yes he wanted me to give you a message. He said to tell you that he’s very sorry but they already hired another girl to do the commercial, and they won't be needing you after all... good bye. (HANGS UP)... diddaly diddaly dee
(NEW SCENE – STUDIO)
DIRECTOR: Ok Joe, I’m ready to rehearse the commercial where’s the girl?
STAGE HAND: She’s studding her script she’ll be right in here.
DIRECTOR: This the new sponsor?
STAGE HAND: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Stuff any good?
STAGE HAND: Well, it oughta be it’s got everything in it. Meat, vegetables, minerals, vitamins...
DIRECTOR: Wonder where she is...
(PRODUCER WALKS AWAY)
STAGE HAND: Alcohol 23%... ALCOHOL 23%!
(OTHER END OF STAGE)
(LUCY ENTERS)
DIRECTOR: Oh!
LUCY: Oh
DIRECTOR: Are you the young lady that’s gonna do the commercial?
LUCY: Yes sir
DIRECTOR: Well I’m Ross Kellies the Director.
LUCY: Oh, how do you do I’m Lucille uh Mcgillicutty.
DIRECTOR: Ricky sure knows how to pick em’.
LUCY: Ohh! Well thank you.
DIRECTOR: You know your lines yet?
LUCY: Well, I think so.
DIRECTOR: Well lets run though it once.
LUCY: Alright.
DIRECTOR: Now you stand right over here.
LUCY: Yes sir.
DIRECTOR: Now lets try it once and remember be bright and vivacious .
LUCY: Yes sir.
DIRECTOR: Alright, Maury! Will you stand by with the script please?... alright...
LUCY: (CLEARS THROAT) Hello friends I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, listless. Do you poop-out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle.
DIRECTOR: Now you pick up the bottle.
LUCY: Oh!
DIRECTOR: A little higher, that’s right.
LUCY: The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle Vitameatavegamin, Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables, and minerals, yes with Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your way to health! All you do is take a tablespoon full after every meal.
DIRECTOR: Now you take some.
LUCY: Oh... It’s so tasty too! (TAKES SOME, MAKES FACE)... It’s just like candy.
DIRECTOR: No no no no, look you’re supposed to like the stuff. You’ve got to smile, be happy.
LUCY: Yes sir.
DIRECTOR: Now try again.
LUCY: Yes sir... its so tasty too! (TAKES SOME, FIGHTS TO SMILE), just like candy.
DIRECTOR: Nope! Once more.
LUCY: Its so tasty too! (TAKES SOME) its just like candy.
DIRECTOR: That’s going to be fine. You, you just go ahead.
LUCY: OK... so why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow that’s vita-meata-vegamin.
DIRECTOR: Ah! That’s fine, fine, now you got the feeling now I'd like you to try it once more this time faster and brighter.
LUCY: Faster and brighter, yes sir.
(RICKY ENTERS)
RICKY: Hi Ross.
DIRECTOR: Oh hello Ricky.
RICKY: Hi Lucy, I want to see about that number...
LUCY: Hi...
RICKY: And what may I ask are you doing here?
DIRECTOR: Well, she’s gonna do the commercial.
RICKY: She’s gonna do the commercial?
DIRECTOR: Yeah!
RICKY: What did you do to the girl that was supposed to be here?... now Lucy I told you you couldn’t do the commercial... now what’s the big idea, Lucy what have you got to say for yourself?
LUCY: Hello friends I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, list...
RICKY: Never mind, never mind, never mind, never mind that... now come on your going home.
DIRECTOR: Now wait a minute Ricky it’s too late to get anybody else, besides she’s pretty good.
RICKY: Oh sure, sure...
DIRECTOR: No I mean it, listen to her. You go ahead Ms. Mcgillicutty.
RICKY: Yeah go ahead Ms. Mcgillicutty.
LUCY: Hello friends I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, listless. Do you poop-out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle. Vitameatavegamin, yes Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables, and minerals yes with Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your way to health. All you do is take a big tablespoon full after every meal (TAKES SOME) it’s so tasty too! Taste just like candy, so why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow that’s vita-meata-vegamin.
DIRECTOR: See what I mean.
RICKY: Alright you can do it tonight but only because we're in a spot and it’s late, understand?
LUCY: Yes sir... (HICCUPS) oh... pardon me.
RICKY: You better be good too.
LUCY: I will.
RICKY: I’ll go see abut that number Ross.
DIRECTOR: Ok.
(RICKY EXITS)
DIRECTOR: Now I’d like to do it once more this time from its so tasty too
LUCY: Its so tasty too.
DIRECTOR: That’s right.
LUCY: Yes sir... its so task too! (TAKES SOME) ...just like candy... you know this stuff tastes pretty good once you get used to it.
DIRECTOR: Yes I know, now would you go ahead, please its so tasty too
LUCY: Oh... It’s so tasty too (TAKES SOME)... so... so uh, I don’t know where to start unless I begin at the beginning.
DIRECTOR: Alright, start at the beginning.
LUCY: Oh, thank you... Hello friends I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, listless. Do you poop-out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this bittle lottle... uh little bottle, uh Vitameatavegamin... Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins meat vegetables and minerals, uh yes with Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your way to health. All you have to do is take a big tablespoon full after every meal (TAKES SOME) it’s so tasty too! Tastes like candy HONEST! (LAUGHS). So why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of mitameatamigamin... remember that name mitavatameatimac.
DIRECTOR: Ms. Mcgillicutty?
LUCY: Hm?
DIRECTOR: Are you feeling alright?
LUCY: Oh I feel fine but its awful hot in here, must be the lights.
(STAGE HAND ENTERS)
STAGE HAND: Hey Ross.
DIRECTOR: Yeah.
STAGE HAND: The audio man wants to get a level on her voice.
DIRECTOR: Oh... Ms. Mcgillicutty...
LUCY: Huh?
DIRECTOR: Would you mind doing it just once more please?
LUCY: Oh no sir it would be perfectly alright.
DIRECTOR: Thank you, ok in the control room! Now we're going to time it this time, ready?... GO!
(...SILENCE)
LUCY: You know you’re awfully nice.
DIRECTOR: Thank you, would you go ahead please?
LUCY: ...Well, I’m your vitavitevegivac girl, are you tired run-down listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular... well are you?... the answer to all your problems is in this little ol’ bottle. Vitameatavegamin, (LOOKS AT BOTTLE)... that’s it. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, megitables, and vinerals... hmm (HICCUP). So why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of uh vita.. vetee... vee ...meany-miny-momy. I tell you what you have to do. You have to take a whole tablespoon full after every meal......(DRINKS OUT OF BOTTLE). Its so tasty too! It’s just like candy so everybody get a bottle of... this stuff.
DIRECTOR: Ms. Mcgillicutty?
LUCY: Hm?
DIRECTOR: Are you alright?
LUCY: Oh I feel fine but you know it’s HOT in here!
DIRECTOR: Well do you think you’ll be able to go on with the show?...(SILENCE)... well do you?
LUCY: What?
DIRECTOR: Joe? I think you'd better take a little rest until show time
LUCY: Yeah boy it sure is hot in here.
DIRECTOR: Joe would you take Ms. Mcgillicutty to one of the dressing rooms and let her rest until show time?
STAGE HAND: Well sure, come on Ms. Mcgillicutty.
LUCY: Joe is it hot in here to you... pardon me, (TURNS TOWARDS DIRECTOR) thank you you’re very nice you’ve been a perfect gentleman. Come on Joe.
(LUCY AND STAGE HAND EXIT)
(NEW SCENE)
STAGE HAND: Hey Ross?
DIRECTOR: Yeah.
STAGE HAND: Where’s that girl that's supposed to do the commercial? I can’t find her.
DIRECTOR: She’s taking a nap in one of the dressing rooms.
STAGE HAND: No she’s not I looked in the dressing rooms.
DIRECTOR: Well, find her and get Ricky out here we're on the air in 15 seconds.
STAGE HAND: Ok! Stand by everybody 15 seconds. Hey Ricky your on, Ricky?
(RICKY ENTERS)
RICKY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright, alright, alright.
DIRECTOR: A little further back Ricky.
RICKY: further back, alright.
DIRECTOR: Little more... That’s it... stand by everybody.
RICKY: Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to your Saturday night variety. My name is Ricky Ricardo I’m your host for this evening. We have some wonderful acts and I think we're all gonna have alota fun. So if we may we like to start things off with a little music. Mr. Hatch if you please.
(RICKY SINGS IN SPANISH)
(LUCY ENTERS, NOTICES RICKY AND GOES TO HIM)
LUCY: Hi Fred, hi Ethel, hi, hi, hello.
(LUCY TRIES SINGING WITH RICKY)
RICKY: (LAUGHS COVERING EMBARRASSMENT) Very nice, very funny... (LAUGHS)
LUCY: Hello friends I’m your vitavetavigivac girl...
(RICKY PICKS UP LUCY AND CARIES HER OFF STAGE)
LUCY: ...Are you tired run-down listless? Do you poop-out at part...
(END SHOW)
Original Air Date: May 5, 1952
Unofficial Transcript
Transcript By: Jeffrey Thomason
(START SHOW - LIVING ROOM)
RICKY: Hi honey.
LUCY: Hi.
RICKY: What are you doing?
LUCY: Darning your socks.
RICKY: Well, good for you... I didn’t know you knew how to darn.
LUCY: Oh sure, there’s nothing to it, especially if you have a darning egg. Boy you should’ve seen the hole in this ones, taking me a half hour to sow it up.
RICKY: Hmm!
LUCY: There. Darn it I sowed up the top.
RICKY: (LAUGHS) Oh Lucy, your amazing.
LUCY: Oh well, I’ll just have to rip it out.
RICKY: NO NO! Don’t do that.
LUCY: Why?
RICKY: I can use it as a blackjack.
LUCY: Oh! Give me that now... I gotta fix it.
RICKY: (LAUGHS) Oh dear.
LUCY: Honey, where are you going?
RICKY: I’m going to rehearsal honey.
LUCY: Again! You’ve been to rehearsal everyday for a week.
RICKY: I know but I can’t help it.
LUCY: Wouldn’t it be easier to get good musicians?
RICKY: Please... no discouraging remarks.
LUCY: (LAUGHS)
(PHONE RINGS)
RICKY: I’ll get it, I’ll get it. Hello, oh hello Jerry... well my goodness Jerry there must be millions of girls who want to take this job, oh look Jerry don’t I have enough troubles putting the whole television show together without having to look for a girl to do the commercial. (LUCY OVERHEARS) Uh... um (SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
LUCY: (INTERRUPTS) Never mind, Never mind, I know what your talking about. What about a television show Ricky?
RICKY: Wait a minute, alright Jerry I’ll get the girl to do the commercial. Good bye. (HANGS UP)
LUCY: Well?
RICKY: Well, I’m gonna do a television show that’s all, and you can not be on it.
LUCY: Ah Ricky please. Just let me do the commercial.
RICKY: Nothing doing.
LUCY: Why not?
RICKY: Look honey, this is too big a chance for me, I need someone with a lot of sperience.
LUCY: Well, I’ve had sperience.
RICKY: You’ve never even been on a television show.
LUCY: Well maybe not but I watched them a lot.
RICKY: (CHUCKLES) There is a slight difference.
LUCY: Ah now Ricky
RICKY: I’m sorry honey, I got to go now. I’ll see you later.
LUCY: Ohhhh!
RICKY: ...Ohhhh
(FRED ENTERS)
FRED: Hi Lucy.
LUCY: Hi.
FRED: Need any work done up here? Ethel’s gone to see her mother for a couple of days and I got a lot of time.
LUCY: Ethel’s gone and you want to work?
FRED: Yeah, it seems, loafing isn’t any fun unless she’s nagging at me to get some work done. (LAUGHS)
LUCY: Well, there’s nothing to do up here unless you wanna job knocking some since into Ricky’s head.
FRED: What’s the matter?
LUCY: Well he’s gonna MC a big television show, and they need a girl to do the commercial, now you know how good I am at that.
FRED: Oh sure, I’ve seen you do a 100 television commercials.
LUCY: Well, I would be good if somebody'd ever give me a chance.
FRED: Now why don’t you just relax and forget the whole thing.
LUCY: Gee, if there was only some way Ricky could see me on television.
FRED: Well, now maybe you'd qualify as a lady wrestler.
LUCY: Wait a minute, wait a minute. I've got it. I know what I'm gonna do.
FRED: What?
LUCY: Well listen, when Ricky comes home tonight. I'm not gonna be here, but YOU are.
FRED: Oh I am huh?
LUCY: Yeah and your gonna turn on the television set... and you know who's gonna be on it?
FRED: Well I can only hope its Faye Emerson.
LUCY: No no. Its gonna be me.
FRED: Well how you gonna work that out?
LUCY: Never mind, you just turn on that set and leave the rest to me, ok Buster!
(NEW SCENE – LIVING ROOM)
(RICKY ENTERS)
RICKY: Well hello Fred.
FRED: Oh hi Rick.
RICKY: Where’s Lucy?
FRED: I don’t know, I came up to watch your television ours is on the blink.
RICKY: Oh...
FRED: And there’s a wonderful show coming on just about now.
RICKY: At 23 minutes after four?
FRED: Yeah, now set down there. I want you to watch it. You’ll enjoy it.
(LUCY APPEARS IN TV)
LUCY: Call for Philip Morris!
RICKY: Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye.
FRED: Look, look Rick that’s Lucy, she’s on television.
RICKY: Yeah, how bout’ that. I can't, I can't get over how clear the picture is.
FRED: Yeah.
LUCY: Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. (DROPS CIGARETTES OUT OF TV)
RICKY: We’ll whata you know third dimensional television.
FRED: Yeah.
LUCY: Shh, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Philip Morris America's most enjoyable cigarette presents the Lucy Ricardo Show! Dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah!
RICKY: I don’t think this is such a hot show Fred. I think I’ll get another station.
FRED: Oh.
LUCY: As our first offering this evening we... STOP that now go back and sit down.
RICKY: That’s very funny now come on outa there.
LUCY: As our first offerings this evening we present...
RICKY: (KNOCKS ON TV) Lucy I said come on outa there.
LUCY: As our first offering this evening we present that inevitable personality, that talented performer, that versatile entertainer, Lucy Ricardo...
(RICKY PLUGS TV IN)
LUCY: AHH! Ah, ah, ah, ah, Ricky! Ricky what are you trying to do? Are you crazy or something? What are you trying to do barbeque me!
RICKY: I’m sorry
LUCY: Are you really sorry?
RICKY: Of course I’m really (LAUGHS) sorry...
LUCY: Are you truly sorry?
RICKY: Yeahhh...
LUCY: Are you sorry enough to let me do the commercial?
RICKY: No...
LUCY: Ooh, why not?
RICKY: Look honey even if I wanted to give you the job I couldn’t, I already hired another girl.
LUCY: Oooh...
RICKY: Say... what did you do with all the works?
LUCY: I took em’ out.
RICKY: Well, I can see that but where is it?
LUCY: IT?
RICKY: Yeah, the chasse it slides right out.
LUCY: All in one piece?
RICKY: Yeah all in one piece...
LUCY: Eeeeyuaaa (TRADEMARK SOUND)
RICKY: What do you mean Eeeeyuaaa
LUCY: Well...
RICKY: Lucy, what have you done?
(LUCY EXITS)
LUCY: Well I didn’t know it all came out together.
RICKY: Sooo...
(LUCY ENTERS WITH PARTS)
LUCY: Sooo I took it out one piece at a time.
RICKY: Ahh no! ahh no!
(NEW SCENE - BEDROOM)
RICKY: Lucy I got to be at the television rehearsal in half an hour, my breakfast ready?
(SILENCE)
RICKY: Are you still not speaking to me?
(...SILENCE)
RICKY: Look I don’t care if you don’t want to talk to me or not but please get up and fix my breakfast...
(...SILENCE)
RICKY: I need my strength... Lucy are you gonna fix my breakfast or not?... what do you want me to do starve to death?
LUCY: Would you, please?
RICKY: Look I had a perfect right to ball you out. Putting that television set together is gonna cost a fortune, maybe more.
LUCY: I'm glad its broken.
RICKY: Glad?
LUCY: Yes now I won't have to look at your silly Cuban mug on that show tonight.
RICKY: (SPEAKING SPANISH) (DIALS PHONE) Hello, oh Fred? Could you come up for a minute please? Senora Ricardo and I are not speaking to each other, and I'd like you to do me a favor thank you Fred. (HANGS UP)
(LIVING ROOM)
(FRED ENTERS)
FRED: Hi Rick what do you want.
RICKY: Well, listen Fred, I Gotta go to rehearsal right away and um I'm expecting a very important phone call, and Lucy's mad at me. So would you please stay here and give someone a message?
FRED: Sure...
(LUCY’S OVER LISTENING)
RICKY: Well the girl that is gonna do the television commercial is gonna call. Now you tell her to be at Studio Ten Television Center at one o’ clock this after noon.
FRED: Alright.
RICKY: Thanks a lot Fred.
FRED: Your welcome.
(RICKY EXITS)
(LUCY ENTERS YAWNING)
LUCY: Oh hello Fred. What are you doing here?
FRED: Oh hi, Ricky asked me to wait here and take a telephone message. He told me that you two aren’t speaking to each other.
LUCY: (CHUCKLES) Oh well, I’ll take the call Fred its silly to have you wait up here.
FRED: Alright it’s ah from the girl who’s doing the commercial on Ricky’s television show tonight. And he wants her to be sure and get the message. Now you won’t mind this Lucy?
LUCY: Oh no not at all... Television Center, Studio Ten, one o’ clock.
FRED: Yeah... Wait, how did you know that?
LUCY: Oh, well that’s where Ricky does all his television shows.
FRED: Ohh... well I’ll see you later.
LUCY: Ok.
FRED: Bye.
LUCY: Bye.
(FRED EXITS)
(PHONE RINGS)
LUCY: Hello? Oh no Mr. Ricardo isn’t here. Oh yes, yes he wanted me to give you a message. He said to tell you that he’s very sorry but they already hired another girl to do the commercial, and they won't be needing you after all... good bye. (HANGS UP)... diddaly diddaly dee
(NEW SCENE – STUDIO)
DIRECTOR: Ok Joe, I’m ready to rehearse the commercial where’s the girl?
STAGE HAND: She’s studding her script she’ll be right in here.
DIRECTOR: This the new sponsor?
STAGE HAND: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Stuff any good?
STAGE HAND: Well, it oughta be it’s got everything in it. Meat, vegetables, minerals, vitamins...
DIRECTOR: Wonder where she is...
(PRODUCER WALKS AWAY)
STAGE HAND: Alcohol 23%... ALCOHOL 23%!
(OTHER END OF STAGE)
(LUCY ENTERS)
DIRECTOR: Oh!
LUCY: Oh
DIRECTOR: Are you the young lady that’s gonna do the commercial?
LUCY: Yes sir
DIRECTOR: Well I’m Ross Kellies the Director.
LUCY: Oh, how do you do I’m Lucille uh Mcgillicutty.
DIRECTOR: Ricky sure knows how to pick em’.
LUCY: Ohh! Well thank you.
DIRECTOR: You know your lines yet?
LUCY: Well, I think so.
DIRECTOR: Well lets run though it once.
LUCY: Alright.
DIRECTOR: Now you stand right over here.
LUCY: Yes sir.
DIRECTOR: Now lets try it once and remember be bright and vivacious .
LUCY: Yes sir.
DIRECTOR: Alright, Maury! Will you stand by with the script please?... alright...
LUCY: (CLEARS THROAT) Hello friends I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, listless. Do you poop-out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle.
DIRECTOR: Now you pick up the bottle.
LUCY: Oh!
DIRECTOR: A little higher, that’s right.
LUCY: The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle Vitameatavegamin, Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables, and minerals, yes with Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your way to health! All you do is take a tablespoon full after every meal.
DIRECTOR: Now you take some.
LUCY: Oh... It’s so tasty too! (TAKES SOME, MAKES FACE)... It’s just like candy.
DIRECTOR: No no no no, look you’re supposed to like the stuff. You’ve got to smile, be happy.
LUCY: Yes sir.
DIRECTOR: Now try again.
LUCY: Yes sir... its so tasty too! (TAKES SOME, FIGHTS TO SMILE), just like candy.
DIRECTOR: Nope! Once more.
LUCY: Its so tasty too! (TAKES SOME) its just like candy.
DIRECTOR: That’s going to be fine. You, you just go ahead.
LUCY: OK... so why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow that’s vita-meata-vegamin.
DIRECTOR: Ah! That’s fine, fine, now you got the feeling now I'd like you to try it once more this time faster and brighter.
LUCY: Faster and brighter, yes sir.
(RICKY ENTERS)
RICKY: Hi Ross.
DIRECTOR: Oh hello Ricky.
RICKY: Hi Lucy, I want to see about that number...
LUCY: Hi...
RICKY: And what may I ask are you doing here?
DIRECTOR: Well, she’s gonna do the commercial.
RICKY: She’s gonna do the commercial?
DIRECTOR: Yeah!
RICKY: What did you do to the girl that was supposed to be here?... now Lucy I told you you couldn’t do the commercial... now what’s the big idea, Lucy what have you got to say for yourself?
LUCY: Hello friends I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, list...
RICKY: Never mind, never mind, never mind, never mind that... now come on your going home.
DIRECTOR: Now wait a minute Ricky it’s too late to get anybody else, besides she’s pretty good.
RICKY: Oh sure, sure...
DIRECTOR: No I mean it, listen to her. You go ahead Ms. Mcgillicutty.
RICKY: Yeah go ahead Ms. Mcgillicutty.
LUCY: Hello friends I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, listless. Do you poop-out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this little bottle. Vitameatavegamin, yes Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, vegetables, and minerals yes with Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your way to health. All you do is take a big tablespoon full after every meal (TAKES SOME) it’s so tasty too! Taste just like candy, so why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of Vitameatavegamin tomorrow that’s vita-meata-vegamin.
DIRECTOR: See what I mean.
RICKY: Alright you can do it tonight but only because we're in a spot and it’s late, understand?
LUCY: Yes sir... (HICCUPS) oh... pardon me.
RICKY: You better be good too.
LUCY: I will.
RICKY: I’ll go see abut that number Ross.
DIRECTOR: Ok.
(RICKY EXITS)
DIRECTOR: Now I’d like to do it once more this time from its so tasty too
LUCY: Its so tasty too.
DIRECTOR: That’s right.
LUCY: Yes sir... its so task too! (TAKES SOME) ...just like candy... you know this stuff tastes pretty good once you get used to it.
DIRECTOR: Yes I know, now would you go ahead, please its so tasty too
LUCY: Oh... It’s so tasty too (TAKES SOME)... so... so uh, I don’t know where to start unless I begin at the beginning.
DIRECTOR: Alright, start at the beginning.
LUCY: Oh, thank you... Hello friends I’m your Vitameatavegamin girl, are you tired, run-down, listless. Do you poop-out at parties? Are you unpopular? The answer to all your problems is in this bittle lottle... uh little bottle, uh Vitameatavegamin... Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins meat vegetables and minerals, uh yes with Vitameatavegamin you can spoon your way to health. All you have to do is take a big tablespoon full after every meal (TAKES SOME) it’s so tasty too! Tastes like candy HONEST! (LAUGHS). So why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of mitameatamigamin... remember that name mitavatameatimac.
DIRECTOR: Ms. Mcgillicutty?
LUCY: Hm?
DIRECTOR: Are you feeling alright?
LUCY: Oh I feel fine but its awful hot in here, must be the lights.
(STAGE HAND ENTERS)
STAGE HAND: Hey Ross.
DIRECTOR: Yeah.
STAGE HAND: The audio man wants to get a level on her voice.
DIRECTOR: Oh... Ms. Mcgillicutty...
LUCY: Huh?
DIRECTOR: Would you mind doing it just once more please?
LUCY: Oh no sir it would be perfectly alright.
DIRECTOR: Thank you, ok in the control room! Now we're going to time it this time, ready?... GO!
(...SILENCE)
LUCY: You know you’re awfully nice.
DIRECTOR: Thank you, would you go ahead please?
LUCY: ...Well, I’m your vitavitevegivac girl, are you tired run-down listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular... well are you?... the answer to all your problems is in this little ol’ bottle. Vitameatavegamin, (LOOKS AT BOTTLE)... that’s it. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, megitables, and vinerals... hmm (HICCUP). So why don’t you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of uh vita.. vetee... vee ...meany-miny-momy. I tell you what you have to do. You have to take a whole tablespoon full after every meal......(DRINKS OUT OF BOTTLE). Its so tasty too! It’s just like candy so everybody get a bottle of... this stuff.
DIRECTOR: Ms. Mcgillicutty?
LUCY: Hm?
DIRECTOR: Are you alright?
LUCY: Oh I feel fine but you know it’s HOT in here!
DIRECTOR: Well do you think you’ll be able to go on with the show?...(SILENCE)... well do you?
LUCY: What?
DIRECTOR: Joe? I think you'd better take a little rest until show time
LUCY: Yeah boy it sure is hot in here.
DIRECTOR: Joe would you take Ms. Mcgillicutty to one of the dressing rooms and let her rest until show time?
STAGE HAND: Well sure, come on Ms. Mcgillicutty.
LUCY: Joe is it hot in here to you... pardon me, (TURNS TOWARDS DIRECTOR) thank you you’re very nice you’ve been a perfect gentleman. Come on Joe.
(LUCY AND STAGE HAND EXIT)
(NEW SCENE)
STAGE HAND: Hey Ross?
DIRECTOR: Yeah.
STAGE HAND: Where’s that girl that's supposed to do the commercial? I can’t find her.
DIRECTOR: She’s taking a nap in one of the dressing rooms.
STAGE HAND: No she’s not I looked in the dressing rooms.
DIRECTOR: Well, find her and get Ricky out here we're on the air in 15 seconds.
STAGE HAND: Ok! Stand by everybody 15 seconds. Hey Ricky your on, Ricky?
(RICKY ENTERS)
RICKY: Yeah, yeah, yeah, alright, alright, alright.
DIRECTOR: A little further back Ricky.
RICKY: further back, alright.
DIRECTOR: Little more... That’s it... stand by everybody.
RICKY: Good evening ladies and gentleman and welcome to your Saturday night variety. My name is Ricky Ricardo I’m your host for this evening. We have some wonderful acts and I think we're all gonna have alota fun. So if we may we like to start things off with a little music. Mr. Hatch if you please.
(RICKY SINGS IN SPANISH)
(LUCY ENTERS, NOTICES RICKY AND GOES TO HIM)
LUCY: Hi Fred, hi Ethel, hi, hi, hello.
(LUCY TRIES SINGING WITH RICKY)
RICKY: (LAUGHS COVERING EMBARRASSMENT) Very nice, very funny... (LAUGHS)
LUCY: Hello friends I’m your vitavetavigivac girl...
(RICKY PICKS UP LUCY AND CARIES HER OFF STAGE)
LUCY: ...Are you tired run-down listless? Do you poop-out at part...
(END SHOW)
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