An Homage to Dead Comics (Part 1)

Mitch Hedberg:

--When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

--I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi. Some one needs to tell the turkey, "Man, just be yourself." I used to draw you.

--Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!


--I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

--If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be fucked up.

--I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for doughnut."



Richard Jeni:

“I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.'”



Sam Kinison:

--There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

--Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the Fuck out of everybody!



Lenny Bruce:

--A lot of people say to me, "Why did you kill Christ?" "I dunno... it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know." "We killed him because he didn't want to become a doctor, that's why we killed him."

--I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

--If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.