Manure Tea

1. The weather. The weather Gods are against me. I want to do stuff outside in my yarden (yard-garden, if you didn’t get that) but have been unable to. It’s been raining like Noah’s ark should be parked in the driveway.

2. I think I mentioned that I bought a Tumbleweed Compost Maker. I love it. I’ve been feeding it every day. The instructions say that it works faster with only grass clippings, but bullshit!—That’s wimpy. I’ve been doing shredded newspapers, old leaves, spent daffodil flowers, vegetable kitchen scraps. I had BP put it near the shed so when I go outside to the garage, I can tumble it. Every time I tumble it I chant:

Rumble, tumble, foil and fumble. I love you the most.
Rumble, tumble, foil and fumble, make some ass-kickin’ compost!

(I’m thinking about copyrighting that, so don’t rip it off!)

3. A woman who works with me has a horse. She loves her horse. I gave her a extra heavy duty contractor garbage bag and asked her to bring me some manure. She asked why. Haha. I told her that I wanted to make some mature tea for my plants. She retorted, “Sure, I’ve always wanted to give my boss some shit.” Ha ha again.

Recipe for manure tea:

Horse and/or cow shit
Water
Pantyhose


Put some horse manure into pantyhose (be prepared to not wear the pantyhose again) and tie it off.

Drop the package into a barrel of water and cover.

Steep the manure for a few days . . a week. . . .whatever.

Draw some of the tea and mix with an equal part of straight water. Water garden plants or container plants.

Good stuff

Meme's legs

We're supposed to get snow tomorrow. Where's Spring? I need to mow my lawn. The grass is longer than the hair on Meme's legs.

The Secret backfires

Spidey,
I know you don’t watch Boston Legal, but I just have to share.

Denny Crane is played by William Shatner
Allan Shore is played by Emma's-Lust-Man James Spader

Denny’s at his desk with his eyes closed. Allan walks into Denny's office:

Allan: Denny? Is something wrong?

No reply.

Allan: Denny!?

Denny: The Secret.

Allan: A Secret? You can tell me, we’re flamingos (long story)

Denny: No, not a secret. THE Secret. It’s all about the laws of attraction. I’m thinking of Raquel Welch. I think of Raquel Welch long enough, she will appear here and want me.

Long story short (hee hee) the last part of the episode, some guy says to Denny “there is a woman here to see you.”

Denny: Here to see me? Is she a celebrity? Sex symbol? Show her in!


In walks Phyllis Diller! hahahaha

Proclamation for Tuesday

1. Had my teeth cleaned today. My Dentist said everything looked good and she'll see me in six months.

2. It was Taco Day in the cafeteria--cause for celebration.


3. BP put together my Tumbleweeds Composter bin and it looks faaaahbulous. i can't wait for the wastes to get cookin'!

Catching hell

Yesterday at my sister's was fun, good food, an egg hunt for the little niece and nephew, but I caught Hell from LP for not making him an Easter Basket. Who knew the teenaged Gangsta man wanted a basket with eggs and a Chocolate Bunny?

Eggs/Spidey

I made the hard boiled eggs yesterday and didn't cook them long enough because when I went to drain them and roll them around in the pan to crack them up, it was a holy mess!!! Yuck. So I had to drive over to Kroger's and buy another dozen. The second time I cooked them longer, added vinegar to the water, etc. and they were perfect.
I looked up on Food TV website and here's what I put in the mixture: Mayo, spicy mustard, hot sauce, Woschestershire (sp) sauce, finely diced red onion, parsley, salt and pepper. It was very good.
I also went all Sandra Lee and put the mixture in a baggie, snipped off a corner and piped it into the whites. Eggscellent!
I also made the roasted shrimp and orzo salad and that's fire (fire is a good thing according to LP)

Thanks to Spidey for the Easter E card (she loves me---and it's ditto)
PS: Spidey, I found sixty dollars in a jacket pocket I was going to wear today!!

Happy Easter to you all.

Office Hilarity

There were some really hilarious bits in The Office last night:


1. Angela getting hot and wanting Dwight-saves-Jim recaps from everyone.

2. Michael accidentally cross-dressing—wearing a woman’s suit!!!!! SNORT!

3. Kelly wanting to name her child “Usher Jennifer Hudson Kapoor” SNORT!!!

4. Poor Toby’s face when Jan and Michael were negotiating.

5. Michael getting negotiating tips from Wikapedia! Haha. His “low talking”


Pretty good half hour—I’m sick of Pam’s wishy-washyness!!!

Oh, and I just found out that Rashida Jones’ (who plays Karen) parents in real life are Peggy Lipton and Quincy Jones. Duh. How did I miss that one?

Rudy/Sex/Politics

Ah, Rudy G (I can him Rudy G because I’m still not sure on how to spell G-u-i-l-a-n-i) says that the voters should focus on his record and not on his personal life--his marriages, affairs and estrangement from his son. Hmmm. That sounds familiar. Newt Gingrich says that he had “sinned” in his personal life—even when he was calling for Bill Clinton’s penis on a platter. Hmmm. The Evangelical preachers who hunt for the verboten HOMO SEX when preaching that homosexuality is a SIN. What about Mitt Romney? Will it come out that he has six wives all under the age of 15? Did John McCain father little Vietnamese chillin when he was in Hotel Hanoi? Is Hillary a lipstick Lez? Does Barack like a little S&M? Does John Edwards have a woman in every port? We all know that Fred “Law & Order” Thompson is a ladies man.
Are there voters out there who believe that a President should appear to have a good marriage and respectful, clean-cut All American kids? Have we ever had such a President? The only one in recent memory I can think of is Jimmy Carter and he, although a wonderful human being, by many accounts, was a shitty president.

Bob/Eggs

I'm reading Bob Newhart's I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This. Good so far.

We had many thunderstorms today but a beautiful sunset so I guess it evened out.

BP will be out of town, so LP and I are going over to my youngest sister's for Easter this Sunday. I'm bringing a roasted shrimp and orzo salad that The Barefoot Contessa made. And Connie wants me to bring the deviled eggs. Bah. I haven't made those in ages. Anyone have anything special she adds to the yolk mixture besides mayo and mustard and paprika?

And is it true that if you put the eggs into cold water, bring them to a boil, cover the pan and let them sit for 15 minutes, you'll get perfect hard boiled eggs? How about shelling them? Run them under cold water? I hate when the shells don't come off in a nice neat pretty way.

I suppose I'll have to go grocery shopping either Friday or Saturday.

Of blue-veined tits and amusement parks

Do people really have fun at amusement parks?
When I was down in Florida the person I went to the conference with and I took one day off and went to Universal Studios.
We went on The Cat in the Hat ride (wait was five minutes), another Suess ride (wait was 10 minutes) then we had lunch at Emeril’s restaurant where the woman at the next table whipped out her big blue-veined tit and nursed her baby. Am I offended by breastfeeding? No. Not discreet public breastfeeding. This woman made a display of whipping out her milky tit. Instead of sitting towards the wall where no other diner could have known what she was doing, she sat facing the entire restaurant and whipped it out. The manager was too much of a pussy to say anything to her. To his defense, she was probably one of those idiots who would have accused him of being “anti-motherhood.” I am not anti-motherhood. I’m anti- having to see a big blue-veined tit and a kid sucking on it when I’m trying to enjoy an overpriced lunch at Emeril’s.
Anyway, I digress. After lunch we waited sixty minutes to ride the Back to the Future ride which sucked and wasn’t worth 60 minutes of my life. My friend then wanted to wait another hour to ride this Earthquake ride, so I said I’d wait by this fake-warehouse building on a comfortable wooden bench while she rode on it. I enjoyed watching people’s faces and hearing snippets on their conversations. Their faces told me that they weren’t having fun. Even the kids were whining and snarling and so I figured out that Disney and Universal and Six Flags and King’s Island and all those other amusement parks are perpetuating a BIG LIE on the American Public. Their commercials promise smiling faces and grandparents having fun with bright-eyed children. But, in fact, it’s a BIG LIE.
I must be cursed because years and years ago when my sisters and I were at DisneyWorld waiting in the long ass line for It’s a Small World ride, another big, big woman a few people in front of us whipped out her tit and breastfed. Any man who is a “breast man” shouldn’t watch when a Big, big woman, or a woman with big blue-veined tits breastfeed their offspring.

The First of April

I won last night's Powerball jacket and will send each of you ten thousand dollars to do with what you wish. Email me at EmmaWrites@aol.com if you want money. You must post here in my comment section what you would do with the money I send.

I'm off to a secuded South Pacific isle to bask in the sun's warmth while a dark and swarthy canaba boy leisurely applies oil over my body.

My only worry now is whether to order the pina colada or the margarita.

Have fun and I'll see you on my return.

Larry Bud/Mowing/Prechopped garlic

If you’re a fan of the old David Letterman show on NBC, you’ll be sad to hear that Larry “Bud” Melman aka Calvert DeForest died a few days ago. He was very funny and I read that he really enjoyed his 15 minutes of fame on the Letterman show.

I cleaned and rearranged the living room and my computer desk yesterday. Today it’s on to my bill paying desk. It’s a mess.

It’s getting ready to pour here today. Today and tomorrow in fact. My neighbors on either side, and the ones across the street have already mowed their lawns! I refuse to mow in MARCH. In fact, I was out on the porch yesterday when I saw the nice neighbor, Bill, mowing. I waved my arms and he stopped. “IT’S TOO EARLY TO MOW!!! IT’S MARCH!!”
He laughed, “But it’s supposed to rain all weekend! I want to get it done.”
Me: “Phewtttttt!”

I didn’t make any coffee this morning, and I could really use some caffeine.

My daffodils and hyacinths look spectacular, I must say.

When I was cleaning my computer area I found a five bucks Starbucks card. I put it in my wallet but I don’t really care for their coffee, it’s too strong and bitter.

Schell, have you ever seen Quick Fix Meals with Robin Miller? She looks like you. I don’t like her show, because she uses PRECHOPPED, JARRED GARLIC! No matter how pressed for time someone is, there is always time to chop a freaking clove of garlic! That prechopped stuff is crap and tastes like chemicals.

Same thing with that know-nothing, big-breasted Barbie doll Sandra Lee. I hate her. She uses lemon juice from a bottle! Good God . . is nothing scared? If you have a cooking show . . . . squeeze a real fucking lemon!
Anyway, while I deplore her methods, Robin Miller reminds me of Schell.

Dirty House/Insurance/Lost

When I got back from Orlando, BP, LP and my brother had replaced the ugly green carpet in the living room and front room with Cherry Sienna laminate wood flooring and I love it! They had a helluva time getting the carpet’s backing up—it had pretty much turned to cement. That carpet must have been there since the 70’s. Yuck.

Anyway, they did a wonderful job on the flooring but the rest of the house was a mess! The bathroom. The kitchen. So I took today off and I’m going to rearrange furniture and throw shitloads of trash away, clean my computer area, clean my bill-paying desk and do laundry and clean the bathroom. How’s that for a fun Friday.

We also got some refinancing on our house and the house I owned prior marriage to BP, so I have to visit my friendly insurance agent (he’s really a nice guy—for an insurance agent) and get insurance since the home insurance isn’t going to escrow/mortgage company route anymore.

What else? Oh, if I have time I’m going to watch my Grissom sometime since I taped CSI last night.

A shout out to Spidey since she emailed me info on Elliot Yamin’s new CD. I loved him last year on American Idol and he’s the only Idol whose CD I’d ever consider buying. I’ll get it soon.

LP has Spring Break next week and I guess he’s going to be hanging around the house.

WTF was that with Nikki and Paulo on Lost on Wednesday? (I love the way Sawyer always asked “Who are you??”---my sentiments exactly) How are they advancing the storyline? Are they going to crawl out of their graves? Note to people who find my “dead” body: Wait at least 8 hours before embalming and/or burying me.

Back from Flo

Here are some Headlines:

--Weather was beautiful.

--Rosen Shingle Creek is a beautiful facility. They have a cool 1.25 mile Nature Trail and we saw heron and egrets and snakes, oh my. I felt just like Toohot hiking the Applachian (sp) Trail!

--My room had a whirlpool spa tub. It would have helped Schell's back.

--I heard/met/saw Frank McCourt!! He's bright, witty and funny. He spoke about his 26 years teaching in the NYC school system. We all received copies of his Teacher Man book. He has a children's book coming out in October. "My publisher suggested that I write a children's book. I said why not. It can't be that hard. (he rolls his eyes) Even Madonna's written a children's book, by God."

--During my five day stay I consumed 2 glasses of red wine, one glass of white wine, one cosmopolitan and one bloody Mary, which is more alcohol than I've had in all of 2006 combined. While I got the wine for free, the cost of the last two drinks cost more than the GNP of several small countries.

--I do NOT want to go to work today and do travel reimbursement papers. It's a bunch of tedious shit.

--I was not on or near a computer for five days, and I enjoyed it.

--Clanky is a two faced British Ho. On my blog she said she'd miss me more that Meme, and on Meme's blog she said the opposite. Mean, mean, mean!!

Gone for five days

I'm leaving tomorrow morning for Orlando so this will be my last blog entry for about a week. I checked on weather.com to see the 10-day conditions in Orlando and it's supposed to be in the 80's and partly sunny (or partly cloudy if you're Eeyore.)

We applied for our passports yesterday. Awful, awful pictures. "We" meaning BP and me. LP refused to go because "I don't want to go to England! What's there for me to do in London?!" (I even told him that, based on Meme and Clanky, English girls are loose and whorish and he maybe get lucky over there.) Sigh. After about 30 minutes of this I refused to argue anymore and we left. So, Spidey, when I decide to go to England with my husband, I'm dropping LP off at your door for the duration! Or maybe I'll give him to Schell. Or to the Nagual.

I watched the first episode of the new Dancing With the Stars. That was two hours I'll never get back, and Heather McCartney's leg didn't even fly off! What a disappointment!

I finished The Secret by Rhonda Byrne and really enjoyed it. I want Schell and Spidey to read it. There have been many books like this before: A You Can Have It All type book, but it's done with fresh eyes. The premise is basically this: The Universe is boundless and anything you can imagine can be yours. It's the Power of Positive Thinking meets the book Now. It's not for those analytical thinkers, it's more of a feeling book, and naysayers are not welcomed. After applying the principals in the book, you can attract wealth, health, a mate, love . . whatever. Couldn't hurt. I want LP to read it. Whether or not he does, remains to be seen.

Have a good week. See you soon.

Why did I take off a few days from work? I come back and the work's still piled on my desk.

HAPPY SAINT PATRICK'S DAY!/Dream

Top ‘o the morning to you and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

Yesterday I dug out two overgrown lavender plants and today I have to cut back my ornamental grasses and that should be the end of my clean up.
------------------------------

I had a strange dream last night. It was not exactly cohesive, more like little vignettes strung together:

--There was a huge barn, almost empty. Apparently people had to move. Huge wooden beams exposed in the ceiling and there was a shiny brass lock on the door. I was fiddling with the lock and it came apart in my hands and I remember thinking, “Oh crap, I broke it.” But on the air appeared a map to follow to fix it. I usually hate reading directions, but I did, and repaired the lock.

--I was outside and glanced up in the air and saw this beautiful big Black woman standing up in an open chariot. I remember she was wearing a flowing red and yellow, sort of Asian-looking, gown. She was the most stunning thing I had ever seen. Two other people were with her: One was driving the chariot and the other was holding onto her legs. When they landed she was screaming excitedly that she had won the Miss America pageant. She hugged me so hard and asked if I wanted to work for her.

--I was inside of my house, in the backroom and two gigantic men came through the back door and the cat jumped up on one and they were both so interested in her, they had never seen a cat before and I said, “You need to give her back to me. She not used to you. And you need to leave my house. You don’t have permission to be here.” They smiled and handed back Miss Kiks and left.


--BP and I were riding bicycles down this very winding lane and came upon this really beautiful house. Except for grass, it was totally devoid of plantings and I said to him, “That house would be perfect with some trees, shrubs and other landscaping.” And he said, “And it needs a water feature and some bicycles or a few children’s toys out in front to show some signs of life. And all those things suddenly appeared before our eyes, and this place looked magnificent.

"Where are you Kiki Marie?!!"

Yesterday we had a violent lightning/thunderstorm which lasted from about 6pm into the night. I swear we got 2 to 3 inches of rain. Anyway around 8 LP asked me where the cat was. I didn't know so, we started looking for her. We looked EVERYWHERE. She wouldn't come when we called. She wouldn't come when I shook her food dish. She wouldn't come when BP open and shut the baseement door (she loves to go exploring down there when he goes down there to smoke.) She wouldn'e come when I sprayed room deodorizer (she always comes out from wherever she is when an aerosol can is sprayed.)
I got the sinking feeling she may have run past LP when he opened the front door when he came home at 7. She's done that before but she always just jumps up on the bench to get a good view of my birdfeeders. I looked outside on the porch. No cat. I called. No cat. I looked around the house (as far as I could without getting wet.) No cat.
Then BP called out that he found her. We had looked under every piece of furniture in the house except the green chair in the living room. BP lifted the chair and there she was looking scared as hell. She slunk slow and low away until I scooped her up. That thunder must have scared the bejezus out out of her. Poor lil Kiki Marie.

-----

After being in the 70s yesterday, this morning it's COLD outside! But the rain's supposed to stop sometime this afternoon. Good!

I'm taking today and tomorrow off of work. Next week I'm leaving for a business trip to Orlando and I'll be gone for five days.

Weather/Clean Up Work

It was absolutely beautiful weather here today! I left work at noon and worked in my yard most of the afternoon.
I dug up a five year old hyssop bush.
I dug up a five foot wide patch of catmint. I saved a bit to maybe transplant elsewhere later.
I dug up some Sedum Autumn Joy to transplant elsewhere.
I cut back coneflowers and my seven foot tall Buddelia.
I raked some fall leaves from the beds.
I raked smooth all bare areas. Planting time, I'll put in some red daylilies (I don't care for them, but BP likes them so I'll make a space.) A few weeks ago I also bought some elephant ears and some cannas (for the hummers) that I have no idea where I'll put but I 'll work them in somewhere.
I'll probably feel all that digging in my legs, butt and back tomorrow.

List of things to buy before May:
I need at least one new lavender plant.
Several bags of potting/top soil.
Several bags of pine bark mulch.
Herbs: lots of flat leaf parsley, rosemary, thyme, and two or three different basils (not the ball less English Basil we all know and love!) pineapple sage and some mint.
Lots of container/bedding plants.

BP has also (reluctantly) agreed to put in a paver path for me from the backdoor out to the shed. LP doesn't know it yet but he'll be happy to assist with the digging and hauling.

An Homage to Dead Comics (Part 1)

Mitch Hedberg:

--When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

--I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi. Some one needs to tell the turkey, "Man, just be yourself." I used to draw you.

--Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!


--I hate turtlenecks. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day. Like, if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack, it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

--If carrots got you drunk rabbits would be fucked up.

--I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt. There is no need for that, man. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We do not need to bring ink and paper into this. I cannot imagine a situation in which I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: "Hey man! Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...damn...I forgot it at home... it's in the filing cabinet...under D...for doughnut."



Richard Jeni:

“I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.'”



Sam Kinison:

--There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

--Jesus had a tough life. I read about that guy. Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn't scare the Fuck out of everybody!



Lenny Bruce:

--A lot of people say to me, "Why did you kill Christ?" "I dunno... it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know." "We killed him because he didn't want to become a doctor, that's why we killed him."

--I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

--If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.